Three years ago, to these exact dates, little did I realise that my plane was about to crash. My life was about to be turned upside down and inside out forever. Little did I know that a large gaping wound was going to be inflicted on my heart. A wound that doesn’t heal, a wound with which I would have to learn to live with.
Now don’t believe for one second that I have completely relapsed into my deepest darkest days, that would be showing a total misunderstanding of the journey I have crawled over the last three years. A journey filled with pain, unbelievable sadness, confusion, anger, disillusionment but at the same time with laughter, love, caring and joy. Safe to say it has been a rollercoaster. However with each dip and gut wrenching turn I have become more and more accustomed to handling the stomach turning moments.
So what has changed, why didn’t I feel this going into years one and two? Why now am I feeling this dark shadow of sadness rolling in? Why now am I having daily reflections on those last ten days we had with Yolanda? Why now the reflection on the last drive to the hospital together? Why now the reflections on the daily conversations with the doctors and the ever worsening view of the outcome? Why now the questioning of myself as to what we could have done differently? It would appear that I am not the only one with these questions. Daily my two daughters say to me that they miss Mommy. Why now? More and more as we approach the 14th January this powerful emotion of losing a loved one appears to be intensifying.
Is it the added stresses of the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic, is it because of the world economy being ground to an alarming halt? Is it because I am uncertain of my financial future? Is it just part of the journey?
I am convinced that all of the above play a contributing factor towards my overall feeling, however I firmly believe that I am going through this part of my journey because I am now ready to handle and digest all of these emotions and feelings. I firmly believe that as I have started to develop and discover the new Sean that these emotions need to be embraced in order for me to unlock the doors to the next chapter of my life.
So I must confess, I am sad, I am angry, I am confused and disoriented at times but I am also happy, strong and determined. With God, my Father guiding my steps I am able to embark on the next leg of this journey.
For those who know me, we will be wearing a lime green ribbon on the 14th in remembrance of the life that was Yolanda. A life that touch many lives and an unconditional love that will forever be a part of who we are.