To say I was blindsided would be an accurate description of how my journey has changed direction. I was becoming comfortable with my grief, I was becoming one with my identity as Sean who lost his wife. You could say I had become one with my loneliness, I was even beginning to map out a future on my own.
Then BOOM out of nowhere, I find myself in the whirlwind of emotions. Falling in love, something I had never contemplated or even imagined possible, a feeling I thought would never enter my life again. It has entered my life again and it feels good, however it has also brought along with it some challenges. It has challenged me in ways that I had never considered. I have had to deal with thoughts about whether or not I was being unfaithful to Yolanda, unfaithful to her memory and unfaithful to our children. I had to process all of these thoughts and at the same time allow love to develop. I had to be cognisant of the emotions and feelings of others, my children, my family, Yolanda’s family and friends who had carried me through the darkest of days. I also needed to be honest and transparent with my new love.
Falling in love as a widower certainly comes with its challenges. There is so much to consider and to be aware of all the time. I still love Yolanda and always will, she has and will always be a part of my life. I also appreciate that “my love” also comes with a past that will have relevance to today and our future together. Honestly at our age who isn’t carrying around some baggage. I wasn’t looking for another person in my life, in fact if you had suggested this a few months ago you might have been met with a strong response from my sharp tongue.
What I do know however is that it is possible to move in this new direction, I just need to be cognisant that any decision I make has a ripple effect. I must also be aware that what I deem the ripple effect can be seen by others as a tsunami. Yolanda and her passing has had an enormous impact on many lives and I feel it important to honour her memory and celebrate her life, I however can not be trapped in grief for eternity.