The journey of grief is full of questions. These questions have a way of turning into emotions, emotions of fear, anger, confusion, joy, happiness and many more.
I find myself wrestling more and more with these questions, as a result some questions end up having both a happy and a sad emotion, shortly followed by confusion. Happy and sad in the same moment, is it truly possible. Surely one emotion ultimately ends up being victorious after all, is that not the way of life. As I grapple with this concept I have come to realise that these emotions evolve into a wonderful eclectic combination of neither happy or sad. It appears to be a more mature sense of acceptance within the framework of life.
Is it possible to be happy again, truly happy? Does being happy again equate to forgetting Yolanda? Something which I am not prepared to do. My fear that I would forget gets in the way of allowing myself the freedom to be happy. Does this mean that grief has me in it’s never releasing grip? Question after question make me feel as if I am journeying along a wet path with exposed slippery roots. I stumbled and try to regain my balance only to find my footing to be unstable. One thing however is certain and that is I am slowly moving forward. It is this slow pace to which I have to adapt, slow is okay. So back to the question of whether this means forgetting Yolanda? After many discussions with family, friends and others who know my journey the answer is clearly a no. Yolanda’s place in my life will be forever secured and the gift of our two beautiful daughters will remain with me forever. Yolanda is and will always be a part of my life, past, present and future.
Another unsolicited piece of advice that I kept getting is that Yolanda would want me to be happy. I am never sure as to how I should answer this, it would appear that some feel they knew her better than me. Perhaps I am being overly harsh but it does get under my skin when others appear to be tuned into what Yolanda would or wouldn’t say when I feel so distant.
Some sage advice that I received was “I have a close friend who is still deeply in love with her deceased husband and she found love again. She considers herself blessed to have two great loves”. So is it possible I don’t know, am I going to give it a try absolutely. I endeavour to appreciate the moment and see where this journey goes.
So is it possible?