The reality of Yolanda’s passing has well and truly set in. Some call it acceptance. Not certain I want to use that word right now. For me it is facing the daily grind, the never ending always repeating chores that need attention. The fact that I get on with them knowing that I need to survive, my children need me, I need me. My family, friends and work colleagues at least pretend that they need me.
However there are many a time I drift off to that place called “how different life could have been”. What would life have been like if Yolanda had survived the cancer. Would she have gotten back to her old self or would there be a cancer scare to carry for the rest of her life. How differently would we have looked at life, would we have gone back to our old pattern of grinding out a daily life without appreciating the small moments, some call it stopping to smell the flowers.
I get lost in thought on many occasions, some almost routinely however it is the ambush moments that leave me feeling numbed and distant for an hour or two. Recently whilst I was away on a business trip I was having dinner with my colleagues. All male and married and the conversation leads towards complaining about their wife’s. Mmmmmm I sat there just lost in thought thinking how wonderful it would be if Yolanda were alive and I could also complain. Not that I ever had any complaints, as Yolanda always gave me total support and vice versa. More and more I realise just how fortunate I was to have had Yolanda in my life.
The reality however has a way of kicking back into place. The clock never stops. Tick tock life goes on, the sun rises each day and sets each evening. The seasons come and go. Life goes on. It has been 786 days since Yolanda passed on, 18 861 hours, 1 131 660 minutes since our lives were turned upside down. Much has happened, we have managed to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. I still however allow myself to get lost in thought.
Thank you Yolanda for wanting to be a part of my life. You have enabled me to be grateful and no matter how many days, hours or minutes go by you will forever be imprinted in my life and the girls.