So often I have heard it said that if you are looking for answers then you should enter a space of silence. I get this concept, it clears the mind of all distractions and presents a clearer view of the path ahead. It enables you to see the next step without all the clutter of life blurring the view.
Grief however has made the “silence” a scary place to enter. I have noticed not only with myself but my girls as well. Silence has become an unwanted guest. The house always has music playing, sometimes loud sometimes soft, but never silence.
Well that isn’t entirely true, there is silence once both have gone to bed. It is then that I pace around the house, collecting memories, thinking about what could have been, thinking about the future for the girls without the guidance of their mother. Sometimes the tears flow and I keep reminding myself that these are an indication of how lucky I was to have loved and been loved. Eventually exhaustion leads me to my bed but amazingly as my head touches the pillow the idea of needing sleep evaporates like the morning mist.
I lie in my bed trying to sleep but the overwhelming loneliness tugs at me as a constant reminder of a life past. Fortunately sleep does find me and I dose off for a few hours. The alarm wakes me early in the morning, another day to walk this unwanted journey. Another day to make memories with those whom I love. Another day where silence will sneak in an appearance here and there reminding me that grief is now a part of my daily routine.