Yesterday as I was driving home and listening to some music, guess who makes an unannounced visit? The grief monster arrived with all his torture tools and proceeded to turn me inside out. If that wasn’t enough he then tore my heart out and trampled on it with his spiked shoes.

The pain was overwhelming, the pressure on my chest making breathing feel almost impossible. The tears flowing and the uncontrolled sobbing turning me into a right mess within milliseconds.

It was just like the day after Yolanda had passed away. It was real, it was unbearable and left me feeling shattered for a good few hours after.

So what is the purpose of me sharing this in my blog, am I looking for sympathy? Am I looking for someone to take over this pain from me? Am I writing to just help me process what just happened? The answer to all these questions is a no, however it wouldn’t go unappreciated.

The purpose is to say to others walking a similar journey that it is okay to have these occasional visits from he who may not be mentioned. I however didn’t feel this way immediately. At first I was confused, Yolanda passed away 20 months ago. If you have been following my blogs I think it safe to say, I have been doing okay. So where did this come from, how can I be feeling so sad and empty, I was going home to my girls surely I should be happy? Question after question, self doubt and an overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t coping. The grief monster was winning at this stage. Of the 8 rounds of this 12 round title fight he had me against the ropes. He had won every round on points. Even if I won every round from here to the end he was going to emerge victorious. I needed to come up with another strategy. I needed a knockout if I was going to win.

Plan changed I called my sister, I sobbed, I cried, I told her how I felt and just hearing her understanding voice eased some of the pressure. I then gave my mother in law a call. We both shared those last few months with Yolanda and for some strange reason there is an amazing bond. She listened, she heard and acknowledged the pain. Were these two magnificent people an instant cure? No they weren’t but they gave me the time to steady my feet and deliver the knockout punch in the dying seconds of the final round.

Today I have still felt a little battered and bruised from this encounter however the victory has put a spring in my step which far exceeds the beating I received.

I rejoice that I can go.

6 thoughts on “The Monster Within

  1. Hey. Thinking of you. I know that the last thing you want to hear is” I know just how you feel” but well………

  2. So sorry for the unexpected attack and the pain it caused. Great that you could find solace at the end. You are a brave warrior

  3. Over this last year I have developed a few knockout punches of my own. Sometimes they work but sometimes they just bounce back. But this battle is far from over and I refuse to back down.

  4. In a strange way I can relate to the ‘Grief Monster’ as you put it and yes, music also brings about lots of moments of sudden tears rolling down my cheeks especially that on a daily basis I listen to a radio station that only plays music from yesteryear. Some of the songs make me cry instantly and others give me a spring in my step which finds me dancing to them. Weird? I don’t think so as some bring back beautiful memories of happy times together with John but then again others also find me sobbing by the end of the song. I always turn to my GSD Shanto when I feel like this as just pretending to dance with him gives me comfort and also somehow cheers him up as he too feels my pain most of the time. These things I cannot ignore as they will always be back to bite me unexpectedly no matter where I am. Christmas is coming and I just know that special time that we all shared together and carols are definitely going to get the tears rolling. Decorating our trees in the garden is something we did together with simple lights just to make it lighter and pretty. Will I be able to still do this? Only once I make the effort will I know but as yet I do not have that feeling of wanting to but maybe I should to get that first out of the way. I am hoping to have my son with me from London during December which will allow me to freely let go and speak and cry with someone who definitely understands me. I think that you are doing a sterling job with your girls and also everyone around you. It is ok to let go as it does relieve some of that inside tearing feeling come out. We all keep on keeping on inn this dreadful journey called ‘Grief’……….. Bless you abundantly Sean.

  5. I hear the pain and the brokeness all of my GS friends I also hear something else though …… tenacity and strength to keep on keeping on You are all amazing people with so much to offer in this life Gid bless you Sean for eloquently expressing all these emotions

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