The other day I looked at the date on my watch and saw that it was the 17th. I realized in that moment, that this was the first month since Yolanda’s passing, that I got past the 14th without the internal dread that comes with counting the months.
Does this mean that I am coping? Does this make all those well meaning people who said those awful words “Time heals” right? Does this mean that Yolanda is becoming a lesser part of my life? I must be honest and say that I was both horrified and happy that the 14th had slipped by without being noticed.
The guilt however that came with this is also astounding. It is crazy as the one thing I would like to get past is the sickening tightening of my stomach each 14th. However having moved past a 14th without this dreaded feeling has left me feeling guilty. Has Yolanda become a distant memory? Have I forgotten her? I know the answer to these questions is a categorical no. So why the guilt? Is it that this dreaded feeling is my connection to Yolanda. This is a reason that makes sense. In some weird and wonderful way this is the connection.
So 18 months without Yolanda’s presence I still find myself in survival mode. Still find myself missing her immensely, however this feeling is moving away from significant dates on the calendar but rather to a shifting towards smells, taste and places.
This journey has taken me to places I would never have requested to go of my own free will. I have learnt so much about myself and others that I can truly say I am grateful. I am not grateful that Yolanda passed away and no longer plays a physical part in our lives. I am grateful that out of this catastrophic loss I have been able to survive and grow as a person.