The 14th of January will be forever jack hammered into our lives. This was the day we said good bye to Yolanda’s physical presence in our lives. Her spiritual presence will be with us till the day we depart this earth.
What a year? Can’t believe that we have come this far. The emotional roller coaster called life sometimes felt as if it was on the verge of becoming derailed. Just reading through the post the I have done over the last year serve as a reminder of this journey.
In life there are very few guarantees. Death is one of those and we will all have to face it at sometime. Is there ever a convenient time? Are there circumstances that make it easier to accept? I don’t have the answers to these questions . I do know that this part of life has been the most challenging experience I have ever had to endure. Could we have done without this experience, most definitely. It is through this experience however that I believe the largest part of my personal growth has taken place.
I know that this journey will be with us for the remainder of our lives. Knowing this and accepting it can be a very valuable tool in moving along this rocky path. I intellectually understood grief but now I know how it feels. I now know that there is no magic formula to overcoming the pain and loss. I now know that it is crucial to move through grief and not around it.
So it is with all this in mind that I write this letter to Yolanda.
Can’t believe that it has been a year since your passing. Your passing has come with an enormous amount of pain, however sometimes I feel selfish wishing that you were still with us. Had you still be with us there is no guarantee that you would be pain free. There is no guarantee that you wouldn’t be taking copious amounts of tablets. There is no guarantee that you wouldn’t be frustrated at not being able to get around on your own. Without any guarantees it would be incredibly selfish of me to want you back. I am able to accept that you are in a far better place. Pain free, frustration free and most of all free from the daily doses of drugs that I know you hated taking.
I know that you are watching over us and seeing how well Milah and Hannah have done this past year. They are my real life heroes. Neither has missed a day of school. Both have done remarkably well academically. They both miss you dearly however they find the inner strength to shine for Mom.
I on the other hand have been a bit of a wreck. I have limped along throughout the year. It is however our commitment that we would provide the best for the girls, financially, emotionally and all other aspects of life that keeps me going.
Both girls are at different stages of life and need Mommy for guidance and love. I have tried my best to be there for them, but being a dad always sees me revert to trying to find a solution when all that is needed is a loving hug. I will continue to try, I have even relabeled myself as “parent” no longer wishing only to be a dad. I have failed on so many occasions but the girls continue to be just like you and show unconditional love.
Yolanda I miss you every moment of everyday and often find myself crying. I must say that I am truly fortunate to have received a love such as yours. Many go a lifetime looking and hoping for such a love. I was one of the fortunate ones.
The girls and I often talk about you and the impact that you have had in our lives. The amazing thing through all of this is how tight we have become. Milah helping out with so many task that it is hard to just mention one, Hannah being there with a comforting hug when the pain becomes unbearable.
You truly taught us to love.
I hope to write to you in the near future and to share all the wonderful stories of how the girls and I have moved along. I know that you would never want any of us to become stuck.
Lots of Love