For the past 10 months the majority of my questions have been WHY?

Why did Yolanda have to die? Why wasn’t this picked up sooner?

Why didn’t the medical fraternity with all their knowledge and wisdom find a cure?

Why are my two daughters left without a mother?

Why, why, why?

As time has moved on sometimes at snail pace and other times feeling as if it is moving at hurricane speed, I have become to realize that in reality the questions are fruitless. There is no immediate and clear answer.

So what does my mind do now? It starts to rephrase the questions. It is as if rephrasing the questions will help in getting answers. Really it is just my mind trying to make it appear as if it has accepted that there are no answers when it hasn’t. Rephrasing the questions is just hiding the fact that I am still unsettled by the loss of Yolanda.

Questions now take the form of what if?

What if we had gone the alternative route in medical care?

What if we had done things differently?

What if we had found a church to attend?

What if we could have reduced the stress in Yolanda’s life? She worked full time, studied and still manage to take care of two children and one adult. Often I would say to her that she was burning the candle at both ends.

What if I had stayed longer with her in hospital?

What if? What if? What if?

Just more questions. The pain from these unanswered questions can sometimes be unbearable. Sometimes putting me in the prison of depression for a few days.

You might have noticed that I referred to my mind as if it were a third party in this equation. Honestly that is how it feels a lot of the time. A huge disconnect.

2 thoughts on “When the questions change.

  1. I have entered that same phase as you are right now. It is only 5 months for me. Will I also still be asking the very same questions as you have been? Why did I not notice? Why did I not pick it up when tiredness overtook him at 11am in the morning where he could not keep his eyes open and had to go and lie down. What did I miss? Is it my fault? The silent symptoms were there but why did I not pick them up? Suddenly disappearing after dinner and me then wondering where he is? fast asleep in the bed. John used to wash the dishes and shortly before he passed, he would have forgotten to do those dishes and gone to bed. Why did I not think that it was strange?
    I could go on and on and on but I have analised everything and have asked all of the ‘why’s’ that I could have
    The big question? The R30K Pet Scan that he had only lasted 4 years….. why only 4 years when a clean bill of health and no traces of cancer anywhere in his body were present… so why the Pet Scan?

    My what if!!!!

    What if I had stayed the night before he passed with him at the hospital when he then battled to breathe? I know what to do for people who struggle. What if they had administered a better solution than saline to assist him through the night. I can go on and on here too with ‘what if’s’ but the cancer had spread everywhere and no matter what anyone did, would not have helped at all.

    My saving grace is that he only really suffered half a day once diagnosed and he would never have survived an operation which for John would have been the end anyway living with a bag and requiring 24/10 nursing…. Not my John, he would not have coped with that and nor would I have been able to see him and his dignity go down the drain.

    He told me he loved me so much and then slipped off into a Coma never to open his eyes again…… if I think of it logically, it was a good way to go and his wish not to suffer and be a burden to anyone.

    I am still gutted and drop into that same depression stage from time-t0-time and find myself looking outside at the back door at the birds and trees and just thinking for hours. Beautiful thoughts and memories run through my head and when I need him most, I feel his presence right next to me. I am blessed I think to have and feel his presence all of the time. His vision at our bedroom door was real and no dream and the beautiful smile that he gave me I will treasure forever and it was him and NOT A DREAM…. RIP my precious soulmate… I loved you with all my heart and soul.

    Sean, stay strong for you and your girls… we are both in that stage and you are always on my mind. Look forward to seeing you next year ❤

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